Today's Sale Copy

Discussion in 'Growing and Managing a Business' started by Caleb Spilchen, Jul 12, 2010.

  1. Caleb Spilchen

    Caleb Spilchen
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    Hey Guys,

    I can't seem to get today's sales copy to convert the best for me.. I've tried my hardest..

    Mind having a look and telling me what you would change.

    Caleb
     
  2. Fergal

    Fergal
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    When people look at an ad or a website, their primary interest is to see how it can help or benefit them. Plus there is so much content on the Internet that people make a decision as to whether a particular ad or web page can help them, within a few seconds. All this means that you only have a few seconds to convince your visitors / readers that you can help them and that it is worth their while reading the rest of the ad or web page.

    Your ad, doesn't appear to abide by this concept. Your opening text in the ad gives the reader information about yourself and what your product is not. This is not the information that your target market are primarily looking for.

    What I would suggest is that you need to include some bullet points in the header of your ad, that will show your target market the benefits of your product. You should base these bullet points around what your potential customers are looking for. For example you might include points along the lines of;

    Simple steps to start making $10 + a day from your blog
    Get targeted traffic to your blog now.

    Another thing that I would mention is that you say that the price of your product will increase by $1 every time you sell 100 copies. This doesn't really create any sense of urgency regarding your product. You might be able to achieve this sense of urgency by stating something as simple as that the price will be increasing very soon.

    Does that help you at all?
     
  3. Kay

    Kay
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    Okay Caleb, so here's where if I was a Warrior or even just a potential buyer I would stop reading. You've lost me as a buyer already and for a number of reasons.

    1) You're 15. I don't think you can teach me much. (Remember you're posting that at the Warrior Forum which is full of guys that have been online making sales and writing sales copy since before you were born. It's not a place where I would start off my pitch with my age. Your mom might be impressed but the majority of these guys won't part with money because of that.)

    Don't go into a big apology about your age and especially don't use the word maybe-it's weak. In a sales pitch you have to be positive and direct. "Hear me out", not "maybe you should hear me out". Words like maybe and perhaps dilute the message. So do unnecessary words, like where you say "I'm actually only 15 years of age". "I'm 15" covers it. Me, I wouldn't be mentioning my age at all. If you feel you must, do it quickly and get it over with.


    2) "So to get to my story (or blab.. Whatever)." You're not taking this seriously if you refer to your sales copy as blab. Remember, this is what these guys do. Calling it blab could mightily offend them. How can you expect me to believe in your product if your heart's not in the sales pitch anyway? It looks amateurish.


    3) "A few months ago, I heard about blogging, and how many people were turning to blogging as there source of a full time income... ". To which the Warrior says: So you've only just heard about blogging? And you're going to sell me your secrets? LOL. C'mon kid, why would I buy?


    4)"A few weeks before, I'd been banned from adsense, without a reason... " No one is banned from adsense without a reason. You attempted to do something against their TOS and was caught, same as everyone else that gets banned. Every experienced webmaster knows that. Saying something like that not only shows how naive you are if you expect them to believe it, but it insults their intelligence. These guys have been around the block. Don't treat them like simpletons. And if this was being read by someone that had no idea what adsense even was, you being banned by anyone would raise their eyebrows.

    I'm not going to read any further because you have plenty to work on as it is. Plus I detest bold font, red text sales pitches.

    No offence, Caleb. I'm just showing you it from their perspective. I think it's great that you're trying so hard at such a young age but your youthful inexperience shows. Read it all again and do your best to see it through the eyes of an experienced webmaster that's twice or three times your age. This time, write for them, not at them.

    Leave out the "I'm just a kid" part. I don't know if that's how you plan to make yourself stand out but honestly, I think stating that does you more harm than good. Age has no bearing on professionalism. If you're good at what you do and present it in a polished manner that gives them a reason to buy like Fergal said, they'll buy. If you're not and don't, they won't.

    Focus on the features and benefits. Correct your typos and use periods instead of ellipses all the time. Fix it where you've used "your" incorrectly instead of you're, and there instead of their. Tighten it all up and come back to me when you have. I promise I'll even read the whole thing then, red text and all. If you dare. ;)
     
    #3 Kay, Jul 12, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2010
  4. Caleb Spilchen

    Caleb Spilchen
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    Okay Kay,

    I'm going to do a complete rewrite anyway. This copy only lost me money :p

    Caleb
     
  5. Tecknowoman

    Tecknowoman
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    I have to say I agree with everything said above. From what I've seen Kay is very good at this so take note.

    Also I would get another hook - again taking into account the forum and your audience. I am used to getting ridiculous pitches thrown at me all the time from internet marketing, make money online things. So to say lazy blogger makes $3.6 per day isn't going to grab many.

    For example I spend more than that on coffee each morning so I'd need a better reason to read. However if you changed it to something like Stress Free Way to Make Your Blog Self Sustainable or something that includes the emotional benefit to me of what you have. What do I get out of it - Easy money, Simple Blog Money Strategy, Stress Free Blog Income or what is it that is going to make me look!
     
  6. Caleb Spilchen

    Caleb Spilchen
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    changed, some of the stuff.

    Hopefully that works now :)

    I'm trying my hardest
     

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