Need some constructive criticism on my first commercial

[fstep]

I just got done making the small budget version of my company's first video ad and would like some feedback before i start advertising it. I'm not trying to sell anything here, but if this is against the rules please remove the post.
Any advice regarding the actual presentation, acting of anyone involved, video editing, etc is appreciated. Keep in mind the ad is meant for males and will be promoted that way, so yes i realize it may not appeal to everyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QagB7S56i5A

[Fergal]

Well done on creating and publishing your video, you obviously put a lot of work into it.

Your video reminds me of a quote from Oscar Wilde that goes something like this "apologies for writing such a long letter, but I didn't have time to write a short one". 4 minutes 50 is quite long for an ad and I'm not sure how many of your viewers will watch it to the end. I'd actually be a little concerned that some people may not watch the ad in the first place, when they see how long it is.

The opening scene of the video, the breaking wall part, is great and it really attracts attention. However, in my opinion the pretty girls could be used a little more subtly. Attractive models can be great for bringing attention to your content, but my concern is that people might find it off putting when it's overdone. I watched the video the whole way through, but feel that if had just come across it, without your review request, I may well have closed it when the hula hoop girl came on. Maybe ask yourself, if one of your potential clients worked in an office and was looking for a marketing supplier, would they want their colleagues seeing them watching that video on their computer?

Sorry, I don't mean to be critical, the above is my opinion and others may view it very differently. In my opinion your video has great potential, but could benefit from being made shorter and from a more subtle / clever use of the models.

Good luck with it.

[fstep]

Well done on creating and publishing your video, you obviously put a lot of work into it.

Your video reminds me of a quote from Oscar Wilde that goes something like this "apologies for writing such a long letter, but I didn't have time to write a short one". 4 minutes 50 is quite long for an ad and I'm not sure how many of your viewers will watch it to the end. I'd actually be a little concerned that some people may not watch the ad in the first place, when they see how long it is.

The opening scene of the video, the breaking wall part, is great and it really attracts attention. However, in my opinion the pretty girls could be used a little more subtly. Attractive models can be great for bringing attention to your content, but my concern is that people might find it off putting when it's overdone. I watched the video the whole way through, but feel that if had just come across it, without your review request, I may well have closed it when the hula hoop girl came on. Maybe ask yourself, if one of your potential clients worked in an office and was looking for a marketing supplier, would they want their colleagues seeing them watching that video on their computer?

Sorry, I don't mean to be critical, the above is my opinion and others may view it very differently. In my opinion your video has great potential, but could benefit from being made shorter and from a more subtle / clever use of the models.

Good luck with it.

thank you very much for the feedback. so to better explain the primary goal of this video is to get male, small website owners to want something similar done for them, secondary goal is the actual services i pitch.
i am doing a more professional/standard tv ad looking video to target the bigger and more respectable companies but this one is meant for a semi niche audience. i work with a lot of night life websites, online casinos, music sites, dating sites, etc and i was hoping the owners of them would want something like this, also why i had the girls give "me" so much praise, it was more to get the prospective customer to want them same thing for themselves.

i do agree it should be a bit shorter but i'm having a hard time figuring out how to significantly decrease the length. the only thing i could really remove is the wall break but that takes away the company logo, which i would like people who do not watch the whole thing to see right away. the girls actually take up a pretty small amount of time. i ran a test when i launched the video and most people actually watch it like more than 1/2 way through, they click out when i get into my long pitch (few people left during the girls dancing around part), so i'm trying to possibly shorten my own speech.

[Fergal]

Thanks for the reply fstep, just goes to show everyone has different opinions and I'm glad that the ad is successful with your target market. Hopefully some of our other members will reply with some helpful feedback for you.

[Owen]

Unfortunately i received error message when I click the link.

This video has been removed by the user.
Sorry about that.

Sorry that I couldn't help you on this regard.

[fstep]

Unfortunately i received error message when I click the link.



Sorry that I couldn't help you on this regard.

sorry it won't let me update the main post. here you go - www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Bx1K1iN32o

[amcnaron]

I would think of a way to make what YOU say more captivating. Think of ways to hold interest. Maybe add emphasis and/or graphics or change camera angles/multiple shots to keep it more dynamic.

I think the girls actually hurt your credentials. They have no authority to compliment you and your service. She may have the credentials to say you are hot, but that is not why I am going to hire a marketing company. Show some of your work and have someone with more authority or build up the girls authority speak on your expertise.